The Hidden Adventure In A World With No Rules

– 7 minute read –

Really good friend of mine, every time we would go to a house party and he was looking to mingle with some women, he would covertly ask the host “so, what’s the etiquette?” The question being his uncharacteristically formal way of asking not only which of the host’s guests was single but also what acceptable behavior looked like – could he openly flirt or better to make it lowkey? Should he make the first move or wait for them to come to him (wishful thinking)? Are others even open to mingling or is this a purely platonic gathering?

Unfortunately, what my friend hoped would be a subtle and smooth way of making a move, would, without fail, immediately became transparent to the rest of the party. Ask one too many women “if they came here with their boyfriend” and all of a sudden, your hidden motives become not so hidden.

Over time, this became a sort of running joke in our friend group – one of us always making sure to ask “so, what’s the etiquette?” the minute we got to a party, if not for our own selfish reasons then on behalf of our more adventurous friend. 

What started as a harmless joke question among friends though, has quickly become the not-so-funny question that I’ve been struggling to answer in my day to day life. Whether it’s when faced with the romantic battleground of a party where I’m not sure if or how to make a move, the proverbial space between a rock and a hard place where both options I’m considering seem equally wrong and equally right, or the normless decade of my twenties when some friends are busy getting married and having kids while others are still living in the adult equivalent of a frat house , the “etiquette” – how to behave, what to do, when to do – has become less and less clear when I look at some of the big areas of my life.

Perhaps my only solace during this time of confusion has been that I’m not the only one that’s confused. These gray areas, these middle spaces where the etiquette or “right decision” is unclear, are universally frustrating. They’re avoided at worst and tolerated at best, leaving even the best of us left wondering what to do.

. . .

So, what now? 

As annoying as gray areas are, we can’t avoid them forever. And begrudgingly tolerating such a pervasive part of life doesn’t make me too optimistic about the future. We have to do something. But as somebody who knows as well as most how anxiety-inducing these in-between spaces can be, I know it’s much easier said than done. 

So in classic academic fashion, as a way to push off actually doing something about my problems, I first sought to understand them. And it’s in the understanding of why gray areas can be so frustrating that I found something I think is worth sharing.

BEHAVIORAL UNCERTAINTY AND THE ANXIETY OF ALTERNATIVES

While social psychology research might not have much to say about gray areas specifically, it does have a good amount to say about behavioral uncertainty – the byproduct of being in a gray area and not knowing “the etiquette”. According to Berger and Calabrese who developed Uncertainty Reduction Theory back in 1975, the degree of uncertainty any one of us feels is directly correlated to the number of situational alternatives. As the number of alternatives increase for how a situation can go, how an individual will act, what an individual might say etc., so does the uncertainty and anxiety we feel.

And this makes sense. Gray areas exist between extremes of certainty and clear expectations, with which come a limited set of alternatives. Let’s take our twenties, for example. The minute we leave college we’re pushed from the certainty and clear expectations that come with life as a student and into the normless decade where we’re not quite sure what we’re supposed to be doing. That is until we enter our 30s, upon which the expectations to start a family and solidify your career become abundantly clear, if not from what you see on social media then certainly from your inquisitive relatives during the holidays. Not to say that this pressure is good or bad, but at least we know what’s expected of us. For better or worse, at either extreme – college pre-twenties and proper adulting thirties – we have a somewhat defined set of socially acceptable options that can guide our behavior.

But when you’re living in those in between spaces, actively considering all the alternatives for how your life could go, the lack of a clear path forward can weigh on you. And it’s not just that there are more choices, it’s that with more choices, there are a lot more ways things can go wrong. Of all the alternatives, which one is the right one?

. . .

Well, what if I don’t actually have to pick the right one? What if what the research identifies as the root cause of behavioral uncertainty and anxiety – alternatives – was rebranded as ~possibilities~? And what if in the midst of all the possibilities a gray area brings, I actually got to decide which possibility is the right one for me?

You see, it wasn’t until I  started to think of “so, what’s the etiquette?” as less of a question that I had to get right and more of a decision that I get to make that I realized like most things in life, gray areas, and how they make us feel, are all about perspective. 

LOOK AT ALL THIS POSSIBILITY

The same romantic battleground that paralyzes the loverboy or lovergirl, so unsure of how to make the right move that they resign to make no move at all, sparks the socializer, energized by the all the great conversations and unexpected laughs to be had in room full of people they’ve yet to meet, one of whom could actually turn out to be the one they have great conversations and unexpected laughs with for the rest of their life.

The same space between a rock and a hard place that leaves the moralist in limbo, bound by their existing beliefs of right and wrong, prompts the reformer to make a new path and search for creative solutions that allow them to move forward without sacrificing their beliefs.

The same normlessness of your twenties that fills the rule-follower with fear, excites the explorer as they consider the different journeys and detours and experiences that await them in a full decade where there’s nothing they have to do.

In the face of a gray area where there are endless possibilities, not having a clear set of rules gives you the space to make up your own.

I get to decide what I want to make of all the possibilities before me. I get to choose which path to take. And while that’s still scary as hell, it can also be quite empowering. Exhilarating even. 

THE HIDDEN ADVENTURE IN GRAY AREAS

I’ve been trying to think of my life more as an adventure as of recently. As someone who’s been known to see the world in 1s and 0s or black and white, gray areas have historically been a big problem for me.

To be fair to myself, there are some gray areas worth avoiding. Especially as it relates to relationships and feelings of happiness or contentment, the search for clarity is far from foolish.

But it’s often in gray areas, in those in between spaces where the rules of etiquette aren’t clear, that the greatest adventures of life are found. It’s in those in between spaces where I can find the freedom to make my own rules and to explore all the possibilities that life has to offer.

Paulo Coehlo said “it’s the possibility of having  a dream come true that makes life interesting”. 

Gray areas, uncomfortable though they may be, make life interesting.

And so that’s what I’ll be writing about for the next few posts.